Looking Up
by DancerInTheDark101
Summary: Post 4x21: Sam's thoughts on Dean.


Title: **Looking Up**

Author: **DancerInTheDark101**

Summary: **Post 4x21: Sam's thoughts on Dean. **

Disclaimer: **I have no ownership rights relating to **_**Supernatural**_** or **_**Linkin Park.**_

Authors Note: **This is something different to anything I have ever written before. It is in Sam's POV and hopefully makes **_**some**_** sense. I hope you like. Enjoy.**

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Since we were little, you've always looked after me. You were pretty much the mother I never had, the father who never had any time for us. I always took everything you did for granted, never questioning a damn thing. In the beginning, I never knew that life was so hard. You'd always taken care of things when Dad took off on one of his hunts and left us to fend for ourselves. Well, I guess I never really fended for myself as you did it for the both of us.

I grew up with some normality in life. It wasn't until I was older that I found out about Dad's real job – hunting the creatures of the night, whereas you had pretty much known from the get-go. You don't know how sad that simple fact made me. At first, I had hated you somewhat for having that time with Mom and Dad in a normal life. Yet, as I grew older, I found that I had it easier. I never knew what _before_ was like, so I didn't know how hard it was to lose it all in an instant.

Pleasing Dad was one thing you strived for. I remember the incident with the Shtriga. Dad wouldn't look you in the eye for weeks after that. I never held it against you, y'know. I knew it wasn't your fault. You always did get annoyed and bored being cramped up in motel rooms for days on end. Maybe that's why later on in life you could never sit still. It could explain the strange fascination with sex…

I remember clearly the one time Dad openly expressed how proud he was of you. I don't know why the memory is so vivid, but it stands out among a lot of other mashed-up memories.

We were in some rundown hick town in the middle of nowhere, hunting some kind of creature that was taking people. I can't remember what exactly we thought it to be, but after days of staking the place out and research, we weren't any closer to finding out the truth and saving some people than we had been before arriving. I think you were fourteen or fifteen at the time, and hade been extremely relieved when Dad didn't bother to enrol us in the local school.

Anyway, we had been in this town for about a week when finally spoke up. You'd been quiet (well, quiet for you anyway) for the past few days, and disappearing off to god-knows-where for hours on end. And then, out of the blue, you mentioned to Dad about how there hadn't been any bodies recovered from anywhere.

You took us out to a place on the edge of a small forest and showed Dad a small track leading in the opposite direction of where we had been searching before. In the end, it had lead to a large opening in the forest, where a massive waterfall cascaded into a churning river. But that wasn't what you wanted to show us. It was the cave situated to the right of the waterfall that held your attention.

I remember Dad asking you what you were up to and you replying with a nonchalant shrug, saying that you thought the creature was in fact a Wendigo taking the victims into the cave to harvest and eat before hibernating again. The look on Dad's face was priceless! His mouth gaped open, stumbling over words before finally choosing on a few that I knew made all the difference in the world to you.

"I'm proud of you, Dean. Well done." And then he hugged you! Unfortunately, I think that was the last time I ever heard Dad say those words to you. I wish to god he had paid more attention to you and less of me. Don't get me wrong; he paid attention to you plenty. It was just the wrong kind of attention. With me, he was always concerned about my safety and whether I was healthy. With you, he was always honing your hunting skills, training you to be the perfect warrior. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I got so jealous of you. But I guess to my younger mind, Dad paid so much more attention to you than me. Yet, it was pretty much all training.

I hated it when you came for me at Stanford, asking me to help you find Dad. I finally had the normal life I craved for, when in reality I had always had pretty much the most normal life I could ever have. I just didn't see it back then. We were so close back then, ribbing each other constantly and joking around. We looked for Dad after Jessica's death relentlessly, wanting desperately to find the man we both hated and loved at the same time.

And then we found him. I know you were ecstatic to see him again. I could see it in your eyes when you first saw him after walking into the motel room. Me, I was more nervous than anything. But Dad, and me, we talked, cleared things up a little. Did you know we both had college funds, but when Mom was killed, he spent it all on ammo?

I think things started to change drastically between us when I died…I was so angry at you when I found out that you had sold your soul to bring me back. I couldn't understand how you could so willingly give up your life in exchange for mine. I guess you've always been that way though. You've always strived to help others in need, no matter the consequence to yourself. It's something I admire about you.

I tried so hard to break the deal. I spent countless sleepless nights going through every single resource I could, to find a way. And in the end, nothing I did was good enough and my brother, a good person, an outstanding human being, was sent to Hell.

I'm sorry for how I've treated you these last months, with the apocalypse hanging in the air. We said some extremely hateful things to each other in heated moments and there were countless times I wished that things could go back to the way they were, back when you picked me up from Stanford.

I think I was so jealous that _you_ of all people were chosen by _angels_ to stop the apocalypse. My mind just twisted at the fact that a guy who didn't even pray, slept around so much it made your head spin and swore like a freakin' sailor was chosen to help God in the fight to save the world. So in the end, I rebelled.

I lied, I cheated, and I drank demon blood. I did everything that you had taught me not to do. (Well, there was no specific lesson on demon blood drinking, but you get the gist). And in the end, I chose Ruby, a _demon_, over you, my own _brother_.

You stopped the apocalypse. I know I helped in some ways, but I went around it all the wrong way. You've been such a strong pillar through all of this, even faced with killing me – denying me the demon blood I craved and shoving me in Bobby's panic room. I heard some things in there, y'know. I Bobby tell you that you were killing me. And I heard you tell Bobby to stick it, that there was no way you were giving me demon blood and that if I was to die, at least I would die human.

Dean, _I'm sorry_.

I'm sorry that I didn't stick with you when I should have. I'm sorry that things ended the way they did and I'm sorry that I never looked up to you properly in the past few years. Earlier on in life, you were my hero. You stop the baddies from getting me and at school, stopped the bullies from hurting me. You kicked the creatures asses from here to kingdom come and drove a kick ass car. In pretty much everyway, you were my own personal superhero. But I never really acknowledged you in the way I should have.

Dean, _I love you._

All you've ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you, and six feet under ground now I do…

* * *

Dean Winchester stared at the drab, grey headstone that marked his brother's final resting place. Beside him stood Bobby and Castiel, both staring at the grave with sorrow. Desperately fighting down the emotions welling in him, Dean blinked away tears and turned from the grave.

It had been a bloody battle that had claimed Sam Winchester's life. Lilith had been about to break the last seal and free Lucifer, when Sam had come in out of nowhere and after drinking Ruby dry, had begun on the task of killing Lilith. Knowing that killing Lilith was the last seal, he had done the unthinkable and stopped his brother from killing the bitch.

There was a stand off after that. Dean and Sam Winchester, brothers, allies turned enemies in a stare down that shattered their hearts. When Sam's eyes had flickered black, Dean knew that it was over. He told Sam that killing Lilith was the last seal and Sam had responded with a nod. He then proceeded to suck Lilith's power right out of her, absorbing it into himself.

The result was cataclysmic. Sam's body wasn't made to harbour so much power and turned, destroying itself from the inside out. When it was all over, all that was left of Sam was a pile of ashes.

Scrunching his eyes up in an attempt to rid the tears, Dean swayed away from the gravesite, vision blurry as his resolve crumbled. He heard Castiel mumble something before feeling a hand being placed lightly on his shoulder. Turning slightly, he saw the angel standing there in his cream-coloured coat, face sombre. Beyond Castiel was Bobby.

"Dean…" Bobby Singer whispered.

Dean swallowed. "Don't," he replied, unable to hide the shake from his voice. His brother was dead. He was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. Castiel had told him that he had saved the world, but Dean thought it was all Sam. There was no way in Hell he could have defeated Lilith without Sam. Sam had completed the final deed. He had only told Sam what he had to do. That doesn't class as being the saviour of the world.

It was only now that Dean realised. If he could change one thing in the world, it wouldn't be to bring his mother back, or even his father. It would be to take those few words back. Screw the world. Let it die. He had failed his brother. His brother had died a monster…a creature that they had hunted their entire lives.

_I'm sorry. I love you._

Dean whipped around at the ghostly whisper. Hs eyes widened as he saw a shimmering, white silhouette beside his brother's grave. A ghost of a smile decorated his lips as he stared at his brother for the last time.

_I'm sorry, Sam. I forgive you. I love you. _

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Authors Note: **Well it was a reconciliation between the brothers…kind of. I hope you all enjoyed it, despite the angst. It was inspired by Sam's last words: **_**All you've ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you, and six feet under ground now I do **_**from Linkin Park's song **_**The Little Things Give You Away. **_**Please leave a review and tell me what you thought of it!**

**Thanks so much for reading**

**-DancerInTheDark101-**


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